all i can do my love is hope it don't take this ship down

so yeah where the hell did my momentum go?

right things broke. the car broke... the water heater broke.... the car is broken AGAIN. enough already. my brain can only handle so much before i go postal.

i need a vacation. like from everything... have i said that yet? i think i did. but it's true and my brain is about to burst.

7 months without a cigarette is too long but i can't seem to garner the will to start smoking again. oh well.

i'd grab a case of beer and demolish it but i had a lost weekend by accident last weekend and well i'm swearing off serious drinking for a while.

i was doing good. i was. i was getting through the heat and the sad and everything with a manic upswing and it seems like someone took the opportunity to bat me back down to earth with a louisville. so everything hangs in limbo. i hate that i wasn't going to do that this time. i was going to finish. i AM going to finish but i look around at the chaos surrounding me and want to throw my hands up. i want to take a bulldozer to every room then burn it to the ground.

scary right? i try to quell as best i can and shift focus as much as possible. i guess it's an allowance. i am allowed to have dark thoughts if they are just that. i'm not self medicating with nicotine or alcohol, i am not self mutilating to quiet my mind. i have come far, thoughts are allowed.

people that try to help and try to put things in perspective by pointing out how bad other's may have it comparatively need to learn to shut their condescending mouths. and i mean that in a general sense not in reference to a specific instance. i thought about this before and how dismissive it is of someone's pain and experience. sure things could be worse but how is have someone else try to force an epiphany like that ever comforting? it's not, it's isolating. now that person feels as though they have no right to express themself in healthy manner because what they have to say is "unimportant". dear readers please please thinkg about that the next time you are tempted to use the dreaded "well at least you aren't..." or "you don't have it so bad think of..." i'll be straight up, you sound like a total asshole when you say shit like that. i have in the past been guilty of it and have been striving to change my vocabulary in that way.

i used to have a friend in school who i hung around with all the time, in junior high we were bffs, in so far as i was someone to hang out with to make her feel better. alot of one upping. "i'm kind of down today, my parents finalized their divorce today..." "oh yeah? well blah blah blah my life sucks worse" and all of that nonsense. i hate that shit so much. again it's a matter of diminishing someone else's pain.

this is pants on sad. cheer up pants! cheer up!

now where did i put the combustables.... that is all.