what in god's name have you done...

that is so how i feel right now.

i have been keeping this off of facebook because i don't want friends finding out without hearing from someone on the phone or face to face first but my friend terry is gone. he took the easy cowardly way out and instead of getting help and getting appropriately medicated instead of continuing to self medicated, he put a gun in his mouth. but i need this out so bear with my ranting.

yeah that sure fixed everything you fucking stupid bastard. you left us all shocked and devestated and angry and left your wife who is already worried about losing her mom to cancer to sit glassy eyed and stunned on a couch. you fucking stupid prick. oh btw thank you so much for making sure you kept the mess to a minimum we're all so fucking grateful. how could you? i don't care why or what you think justifies why but how could you do this to K and shai and blue and all of your friends that loved you so much and have to fight the same demons you did but do it. time and time again we wake up to shittiness and dig down deep and find one reason to keep breathing and then get out of bed and make it fucking work. but you don't care about that, your pain is too real, too hard, too much. that's bullshit and i hope your afterlife is having to watch your wife who loved you more than anything in this world put her life back together and move on without you you selfish bastard. because we will make sure she does that she knows WE loved her and care about her since you obviously were too caught up in yourself to do the same.

so fuck you terry, i will miss you so much and i am heartbroken over your loss even though you don't deserve my tears.

sorry guys that is all thanks for reading, i'll try to make that the extent of my insane grief fueled rantings.