and don't tell me what to say

so. sheesh where to start. lets start on a high note. the closing on this house is monday woo! we are moving into what is essentially my dream home. it's 160 years old and in pristine condition and i am still pinching myself that we can afford it. we will have project to do but hey we are going to LOVE it. so yeah that is awesome. not so high note biggest brother lost his shit recently. like completely and just has been on attack. i got sick of it and told him to STUFF YOU and got a laundry list of my character flaws and yadda yadda in return. fine whatever, seriously? i know who i am, i know what my shortcomings are and trust me you didn't include a single one on your list. anyhoos i said sorry you feel that way and went about my business for the day. what else am i gonna say? i am secure in who pants is and what pants stands for and so i really don't feel the need to defend or explain myself to anyone let alone someone who SHOULD know me and doesn't eventhough they think they do. and to what end do i continue that argument? there is nothing to gain by it for either side. i don't like argument for argument's sake no matter what some of my friends will tell you. its just sad, i have made peace with the ways in which he has hurt me directly and indirectly and unfortunately since he can't accept or forgive himself he refuses to allow me to forgive him and won't forgive me for it either. convuluted (how the eff do you spell that effing word?! three times nothing looked right) nonsense and shenanigans i say. gentle reader for the sake of my own zen let me make a thing clear. my childhood outside of school didn't suck. i mean sure my parent's separated and split and all and my dad worked his ass off as a self employed man running a store so he was distant but not absent. but really no scars there, no lingering anger or doubt or regret. and according to 2 out of 3 brothers they came out the other end fine too. so why 1? and why is it so important that he have validation from us. we can't give it. it doesn't make us wrong or delusional, we just coped better, it's nothing to be ashamed of get some therapy and start loving life again. i carry rage, we all know this. i carry a lot of rage and i try to work on it piece by piece and i have come very far and am proud of myself. i guess why this all hurts so much is because i know how heavy and tiring and unsettling and frustrating and sickening it is to let that filthiness sit inside. i can only hope that this war that's been waged will help sate that violence in his heart and clear his mind so that his spiritual and emotional growth can begin again. mainly i am sad for my father who internalizes and personalizes all of this (with encouragement from his eldest who assures him almost daily now that he is the worst and most evil father on the planet). I know he fears that he'll pass before reconciling and will take that regret with him to the other side. no matter how much i say it he doesn't accept that the regret will remain here and it will be his son's burden to carry by his son's own doing. dirty laundry maybe but honestly i don't care, this is my therapy. this is how i sleep at night and this is my record so that i can come back and read and truly absorb the events and find what i can learn and change from. tomorrow is more packing, packing is my life right now and unfortunately that is all.