icing over a secret pain

Weathered the recent storm okay. Nothing permanant to show for it so i guess that's a win.

Watching this video a little boy about to go into 8th grade made. Made me sob my eyes out.

I feel like when I see these things when I let myself relate I let go of another bag that I have carried with me. I feel lighter.

I know I will never be "better". I know some of the things I carry I'll never let go no matter how much I want to.

My hope is that I will of course but I know that for too long these things have been my protection, part of my wall. I don't know if i could ever let myself be that naked.

I recently made friends with someone who had been part of that group that just mercilessly step on me from the time I was in elementary school and on. It felt good to put that aside too, i know she isn't the same person and to pretend that she is would be pointless and keep me holding on to old pain i don't need any more.

part of me though, wants that acknowledgement. wants that apology. because part of me always will. i don't mind that part of me, she is still growing and is still nursing a lot of hurt that i made her shove inside and swallow.

things boiled over badly for the last two months and i am trying not swallow so much of the emotion because i am not immune to it. i found that out.

it's a process... that is all.