here come excuses why i let you down

i have had some time to process.

some days are better than others. some times i hear a song on the radio like Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons that makes me lose my shit. i said to shai i know it's how grief is but i am frustrated with the small bites of mourning my brain lets me have rather than just a big huge break down.

i have definitely gotten more involved than i was before with TWLOHA, in small ways such as writing encouragements to people who post on their fb forum.

in the interest in catharsis i will share my dark places.

i've been addicted to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. the drugs and the cigarettes (though i lapsed big with with the cigarettes over the last few weeks but didn't buy a pack of my own) are a thing of the past, the alcohol is "under control" right now. i have admittedly struggled hardest with the last two, but i still wake up in the morning on occasion and crave a fix eventhough i am long past any physical addiction.

i was a self harmer and if you want to put a fine point on it every time i get pierced or tattooed i am filling that "need". i guess it's different because someone else is doing the mutilation and it's in a controlled envirmonment where i'm not in danger of taking it "too far" but it's still that self expression through pain and blood no matter how you slice it (bad pun sorry).

at a time when i should have be rejoicing in the birth of my first child i couldn't face myself in a mirror because i hated the person i saw and wanted her to die so she would stop ruining her family's lives, her baby boy deserved a better mother and her husband could definitely find someone more attractive and loveable to be his wife.

scary places to be. i leaned heavily on alcohol and self injury to get through the last place until a hand broke through the surface and pulled me up, i am forever grateful to that person for letting me see how deserving of love and respect i was.

it was a long standing cycle ingrained in me from the time i started elementary school to not believe in my own worth. because i had a physical abnormality (a pigment condition that as i have grown has lessened) that other children could identify and mock because children are cruel without meaning to be and there was less focus on teaching compassion and understanding then than there is now. this esteem issue followed me all through school, i had friends who would unfailingly try to build me up but it was hard to believe what they said was true when so many others (some "friends" included) did so much to knock me down.

it's funny to this day i have friend insecurity. i meet people, get along with them, hang out with them on a regular basis or semi regular basis but in the back of my head i am convinced they only tolerate my presence because they are forced to by way of our mutual friends or some other circumstance. because why would this person that i see as someone totally cool really want to be my friend? i am akward and compensate for it with a loud and obnoxious brand of inappropriate humor or with never ending slew of useless factoids to highlight my vast "intelligence". i know it's stupid and at 33 i should be over that stuff. i'm just going to blame it on the mean kids from school and stick with that, they fucked up my social compass and so be it. at least i acknowledge i have a constant need for approval and i try to keep that brand of crazy inside my own head and not dump it on others.

i try to be compassionate and earnest when i speak to people. i wonder if it comes off as fake even though my sentiments are genuine. i always doubt that people can see that. i try to be honest but to me i come off as abrasive or abrupt. my fear in social situations is that people leave thinking i am rude or stupid or inconsiderate or phony. and it's more terrifying to ask for feedback because either it's the truth or then i show my insecure neediness and i've already addressed that i try not to hand that bag to other people.

i'm like a little old lonely lady sitting in her living room on her plastic covered couchs, suffering and wishing someone would see it, all the while telling my relations "i don't want to be a burden" but not REALLY meaning it and wanting them to say "oh it's okay you're not a burden" and meaning it but knowing it's actually an empty sentiment.

i'm sure there are pills to make all of this better but truly i am not just functioning i am thriving and i can handle the brokeness in my brain because i know it's broken and that there is light and love in my life. if it ever got to the point where i couldn't see that i would find the help i needed and i would look to those that i am 100% secure in to be there to guide me.

i have hope now that is all.