failing miserably to find a way to comfort you

that is me to myself.

the overwhelming sense of impending doom is rising as next week approaches. it is the family eve of christmas eve thing. we do it the sunday before because hey that is when everyone can make it. so what so fucking what? now suddenly that is tacked on to the current war.

i want to not be angry. i want to not want to punch the people on the married side of my family in the face too. i just want nice things. but the people i am blood related to and related to by marriage are fucking insane and this is why we can't have nice things pepper.

i'm getting the cold shoulder from someone in my family that i never expected it from and i know why and it's stupid and petty and you know what i was right so STUFF YOU!!!

i can't say that. i can't say a lot of things i want to say like "hey moron who consciously chose to have sex with his 13 year old stedaughter for 3 years, stay the fuck out of mine, my husband's and most importantly my children's lives!" nope can't say that either, that would be "wrong". that is coming though, that line in the sand. it started when certain people decided they would rather save his feelings than do a favor for us and leave him home. yes he can't be left at home at 41... why? i have no clue, maybe because he might need his ass wiped and mommy would have to be dere for her wittle man. whatever fuck you.

i am angry. i am an angry person and i try not to let it rule my life but it bubbles up from time to time and because i realize how explosive and destructive my rage can be i bottle it up even when i boils over i let it out in small bits at wrong targets because they can take it and they accept my apologies. if i didn't misdirect my anger it would be bad because if i let my anger out at the people that it was actually meant for there would be no end, no control and nothing left to salvage afterwards and that scares me. i don't trust myself to be that honest.

so instead you dear readers get my bile, my vitrol. you accept it and love me for it and i in turn love you for letting my pot bubble over a bit, so that i can stay sane and out of jail.

i'm going to find a way to simmer down for the night so i can sleep but i keep turn all of this over in my head and it's soooo loud.

i need ear plugs, a couple vicodins and a bottle of wine (white prefered sulfites hate me) stat... just kidding... maybe not... that is all.