i was brain dead, locked out, numb, not up to speed

SO what is worse than a narcoleptic insomniac not allowed to take her wake promoting meds because of hig blood pressure?

one that gets a rare (for her) case of seasonal affective disorder in winter, the flu (twice), has to weather a family breakdwon on both sides of the marriage (we're fine but some our blood relatives may need to be pummled with large soft objects until they see reason) and has to wait about a month off medicine while the bp thing is figured out.

dark days friends dark days. all of my experience with depression and addictive behavior pretty much kept me sane along with the fam... the ones that weren't actively torying to break the last shreds of my fragile psyche anyway (seriously i wonder sometimes if they are just fucking with me).

but as you can see by the nearly BOUNCY tone of my writing that indeed you favorite walking contradiction is back in her overstimulated groove.

adjustment back to normal is hard. i have to learn right now to listen to things i usually ignored about my body in the past. seriously i walked around with edema for 2 months the likes of which i hadn't seen since pregnancy. squishy water in shoes feeling feet and all. i shouldn't have. i should have gotten down to figuring this out but i do what most of the other people that share my DNA do. i shrugged and said "meh it'll get better". when i couldn't breath and felt like i had repicked up a pack a day habit and coincidentally had a virus i said "meh i have a cold i'll take some medicine and get better."

thank god i have the sleep patholigist i do. rather than through more medicine at me she insisted we get to the bottom of things. so now i realize the new migraines at the base of my skull were due to BP. The shortness of breath? BP. Squishy feet? you get the idea.

now if only i could blame these 10 (::cough 20 cough::) extra pounds that have suddenly (::gradually::) attached themselves to my ass and hips on simply bp. no probably the other way around.

so for now back on the nuvigil and LOVING it. takeing hctz for the bp and have a follow up in 2 months. everything else on my blood and urine panel came out roses except for my LDL being 115 but my HDL is 86 so WOO. that will come down with the weight now that i won't spend my entire day sleeping... or eating.

oh and i am hoping to be out of this house befor i need to declare war on ants again... right now we have mice or just one that keeps finding it's way back... it makes me want to not be so humane... but i will continue to try to trap and release... for now.

and folks that is all (for now)